MUSIC FROM HER HEART

On this page I am sharing the introduction to the book I am currently writing about my life.

My other blog, My Journey’s Insight, contains all of my book’s material and I am providing a link to the Table of Contents here. The home page is always accessed by clicking the Header at the top of the blog.

MY JOURNEY’S INSIGHT – TABLE OF CONTENTS

MUSIC FROM HER HEART

Copyright 2011 by Judy Unger

I cannot pinpoint the moment when I “transformed” and my life changed. I only knew that I am very grateful because I looked forward to waking up each and every day. 

My story began when I opened up to write about my life. My story is a real-life fairy tale. It is about a sad, middle-aged woman who was a caregiver. For decades, she was completely focused on taking care of others. She carried a lot of sadness because her first child died when he was only five-years-old. One day, with her friends’ encouragement, she began to play her guitar, which she used to play when she was young. She rediscovered all the songs she wrote and her sadness was replaced with happiness and joy.           

Before I begin my story, I would like to give a little background about myself. I was born in 1959 and when I turned fifty I knew it was a big moment. Subconsciously, I believe I knew it was time to find meaning from my life. I have had four children. I consider my three, living children to be miracles. I have been married since 1980.           

I was a successful commercial illustrator. I considered myself successful because I generated income for many years in a field that was fraught with pressure. Working as a freelance artist had many advantages as a mother because I was able to work at home and be available to my children. Eventually, my workload diminished due to the digital age and a decreased demand for custom illustrations. 

I was not unique in losing a career that I had honed over three decades. With the advent of computers, so many people had their careers impacted. As my workload decreased, I found myself caring for my parents and children instead. It was absolutely necessary for several years. During that time, I became exhausted and felt creatively empty and sad. It truly was a miracle that at the age of fifty, I was able to experience a “creative renaissance.”           

For a long time I had carried on with tremendous grief over the death of my first-born son almost two decades earlier in 1992. His name was Jason. He had a severe heart defect and died following heart surgery when he was 5 ½ years old. I became pregnant a month after he died with my daughter. At that time, my three-year-old son was deeply grieving the loss of his older brother. I lived with the intense agony of grief for well over a decade. After that, I would describe my world as “Zombieland.” There were no highs and there were no lows. There was simply nothing but a bland existence.           

Perhaps my mother’s illness was the catalyst for me. At the end of 2009, my mother had been on a respirator for two months. I was bereft, afraid, and very lonely as I tried desperately to carry on while my mother was ill. Because I was always close to my mother, watching her decline filled me with sadness. Both my father and my mother had always enveloped me with tremendous love and support.           

I thought that after losing a child, I would have been better prepared to deal with further adversity in life. All that scar tissue did not make me feel any tougher. The scar tissue was numbing, as I felt both scarred and wounded. My mother’s illness reignited the grief and trauma that I still carried deep inside. I made the effort to continue with all of my responsibilities, but I was overwhelmed by the constant stress in my life. For so many years, I had been coping with the care of my children and then my parents.           

I began to write messages about my daily struggles; updating family members and later on friends who were all concerned about my mother and how I was holding up. I was closed up for many years and had withdrawn from most of my friends. As I began writing email updates about my mother’s condition, I opened up completely and my messages became less about my mother and more about sharing my soul.           

When my mother improved and was released from the hospital, I wanted to continue writing since it had been so therapeutic for me. In February of 2010, I began writing a blog. Writing about my life changed my life. I wrote about so many things. I created a separate blog just about my illustration career.           

I began my blog and named it “I’m Taking Off.” I renamed it later on “My Journey’s Insight.” I liked that name because it meant three things for me. My Journey was in sight and within view. My journey was filled with the knowledge I had gained from my experiences. And lastly, my journey was in site – in a computer website! 

My blog chronicled the decline of both my mother and my father. I shared many of my challenges surrounding raising my children. It took time for me to work up to writing about the experience of losing Jason and expressing my grief. The anticipation of writing his story weighed upon me. Every bereaved person has a story, and I had carried and relived his story over and over for years. Releasing and writing Jason’s story helped for me to heal. Even though words were inadequate to describe my depth of pain, I tried.           

Once I expressed my sadness, I felt lighter. My entire being was transformed. The sharing of my trauma allowed for me to heal and become joyful. I truly believe that my eyes now saw the world quite differently; even my voice seemed different and the way I walked. I was reborn. I went from being a “zombie” to living again with joy. At the same time I started writing, I chose to rediscover playing my guitar, which I had hardly touched for thirty years. As I healed, music and composing came back into my soul.           

Being connected to my heart allows me to maintain a positive outlook that helps me deal with the continued stress in my life. I have many challenges, but I know I am not alone with that. At times, it was quite difficult for me to write my story and play music while I had a lot of ongoing stress.    

When I began writing, I revealed a lot of personal things about my family and especially about my living children. Although my family accepted my sharing initially, over time that changed. Through my music, I was able to move forward in a much healthier direction that didn’t involve them in my writing. I was able to see how much I had changed by answering a simple question from a friend recently. She asked me how I was. In the past, I would have told her how my mother was doing. I would have talked about my children. I told my friend that I was doing great. I loved performing and recording my music, and my writing was taking me to magical places. As those words left my mouth, it dawned on me. It was a revelation. I had actually mentioned nothing at all about any members of my family.           

Naming my book “Beside Me Always” wasn’t simply about memorializing my dead child. I would always miss the “soul I kissed.” There can be no substitution for the warmth of a living and breathing human being. However, some of the emptiness that was created by Jason’s death was filled when I allowed him into my life in different ways. I always feel him in my music and in my heart.           

It was very important for me to find a way to share my music and my stories. I had a lot of material to work with, but my first priority was to create something to share that might help others who were suffering with their grief. I decided that an audio book with my own voice telling my story and singing my songs would be the best way to deliver my message. 

I want to convey my optimism and hopefulness that if I could heal perhaps others could find hope with my story. I suffered deeply. I especially want to share something that I never believed was possible, that despite my devastation from grief I still found happiness. If my stories or songs can bring any level of comfort to another person, then I have achieved more in my lifetime than I ever dreamed of.

These pictures show how happy I am.

AN EXAMPLE OF MY WORKSPACE. EVERYTHING HAS A PLACE, AND WHEN IM DONE I PUT EVERYTHING BACK THERE!

THIS DRAWING WAS DONE FOR A COLLEGE ASSIGNMENT TO CREATE AN ALBUM COVER.

THIS MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE PAINTING.

I WROTE THIS POEM WHEN I WAS SEVENTEEN.

A PICTURE WITH MY “MENTOR,” NANCY OHANIAN, WHEN I WAS 21.

© Judy Unger and http://www.foodartist@wordpress.com 2010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Judy Unger with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.